from a young married person

I think something happens to you when you least expect it. I was reading a blog entry today from one of my favorites and as she talked about how snugly her baby is, I reminisced about all the little ways my mom always made me feel loved. I hadn't thought about them in a long time. She had a terrible old pink robe (which she still has), and when I was very small, she would wrap the both of us in it, and it was warm and safe and my favorite place. I also loved when sheets were fresh from the dryer, so she would "make up the bed" with me in it, tucking the corners in carefully. Before I started to panic, she would uncover my head and pile the pillows around me. During every movie we ever watched, she would scratch my back for its entirety. I'm not just talking the 1.5 hour Disney movies. Sometimes we would watch Anne of Green Gables or Gone With the Wind. These are long movies. But she never got tired.

Anyway, as I was remembering my mom moments (mom-ents if you will) I tried to a put a finger on the feeling I was experiencing. Nostalgia? Wistfulness? A desire to go back in time? And then it occurred to me. I'm getting softer. My desire was a longing for the moments when I could helplessly be loved by the person I trusted most...and another bound up longing to pour it on another tiny person. A desire to feel what my mom felt, to smell baby skin and know it's your very own and not someone else's baby. For the most part, I'm getting my fill in the form of my dog. I kind of see it in the way that I love the way her paws smell, how excited she gets when she's swimming or knows she's going on a walk, how I can't help but share my food with her, how I don't mind as much as I should when she gets paw prints on the bed, how I love to watch her sleep. But I feel like the little maternal molecules in my body are finally starting to cooperate and accept the fact that I am actually, for real, who-would-have-thunk a female.

To family and friends: Chill. This is mostly revelation that I indeed have a soul and may possibly potentially someday want to invest in a couple little souls. It's something I'm content to ponder...until the next time I hear a baby cry.

don't waste your winter.

I live in a foreign city. I do not know what has happened to it or what possessed it, but we have
SNOW. Lots and lots of it. The kind where I don't want to go inside but it's too cold to stay outside. I'm tempted to run outside in my sweatpants, baggy t-shirt, massive boots, and untamed hair, just like when I was little and had to be convinced to put on a jacket. This is the snow where the whole world is blanketed in clean. My grandmother used to get so excited when it was supposed to snow, and I can imagine how much she would love to be here with me, watching it accumulate.

It's the only thing this time of year that makes the pastiness and dry patches on my skin totally ok. Two of the best feelings ever: 1. Swimming for hours during the summer to the point of having raisin fingers and toes, and coming inside to sit on the floor wrapped in a towel, eating a sandwich your mom made for you, and watching a Disney movie. 2. Playing outside in the snow until you can't feel your nose or your chin, sledding, building snowmen, and throwing snowballs, then coming inside to blow your nose, warm up, and eat soup (memories, anyone?)

However, I will admit that I spend a lot of time inside during these months, wishing that the sun that's shining outside was as warm as it looked. What do I do? I have my go-to things like sleeping, throwing a ball with the dog at the park, watching a TV show, or scouring Facebook. But there are times when all that stuff that I'm only doing for myself makes me tired, and then I think about dinner. I think about birthdays coming up and cards to make. I think about the last time I called my grandmother. I think about washing clothes and cleaning out the car and making bread and doing things that anyone else - even if it's just Philip - could benefit from.

The deal is - don't waste your winter. There are winter blues, and they are normal. We can do something with them though, and it usually starts with forcing yourself to do anything. Here are some options:

- What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Do you have a gift for your best friend? Do you have a gift for your honey?

- It's really cold outside. If it's not cold where you are, then this blog post has very little relevance to you anyway (wink). There are also people who live outside. Buy a cup of coffee for the guy on the corner next time you're on your way into a coffee shop. Ask a nearby homeless shelter if they need warm blankets or other warm things for donations.

- Instead of buying bread, make this bread because it looks delicious...Or make this kind.

- Finish a book before Spring.

- Sit down and plan your garden. You know - the garden you don't have but want to have every year, but forget you want to have until it's the middle of summer and too late to plant summer veggies.

- Invite someone over for dinner. Or invite yourself over to someone else's house for dinner if you know them well enough. Just don't be a hermit.

- Learn to knit. Learn to sew. Learn to be still. Learn to rest. Learn to like black coffee. Learn to like yourself. Learn to do anything you don't know how to do.

- Where are you going on vacation this year? Just going somewhere for the weekend on your anniversary? Going camping? Doing anything to get away from the hustle and bustle of life? Start planning it.

- Call someone new every day of the week that you love, especially someone you know who is hurting and needs encouragement.

- Get a pedicure because your feet feel disgusting. Even if it means just doing it at home or asking your friend to paint them for you. It's amazing what can make you feel pretty when you didn't before.

- Get a dog. Get a cat. Get a fish. Get a pet rock. Get an indoor plant. It's fun to take care of things.

Just don't waste your winter. And enjoy this song while you wait for Spring, because it's been stuck in my head:

happy january

photo courtesy of Hope Stanley

A new year. This year I'll finish the sweater I started knitting in 2012. This year I'll lose some weight. This year I'll spend more time with Jesus. This year I'll sleep less. This year I'll spend less time on my computer and my phone. This year I'll drink less (as she sips her wine and keeps typing). This year I'll be more careful with the way I spend my (sigh, our) money. This year I'll love my husband well. This year I'll focus less on the things I don't like about myself.

So there's the list. Good thing it's still January, and I can say I made my resolutions. It's interesting, because I look at that list and feel pretty ok with it because those aren't bad things. They're noble, worthy goals that I and a billion other people make and congratulate ourselves about because admitting is a step in the right direction, right?