i'm here. here and home. It's a good sensation to snuggle under your covers with no certain expectations for the day or the week or the month. It's also a good feeling to have skin the color of caramel and have no need to do anything presentable with your hair or your face, because your dog and your mom and dad still think of you as a little girl anyway, and cute hair and makeup don't remind them of when you were 5. If months were a color, what would they be? I think of june as yellow, july as orange, and for august, doesn't red come to mind?
Something paradoxically unfortunate AND wonderful is realizing that everyone is a sinner and then starting to dislike them because they aren't as without fault and charming from a distance as you initially believed them to be. People need acceptance. It's the only way to get by. And sometimes complaining about their incompetence as human beings makes you feel like more of a competent person. I realize the more I get to know people how badly they fail and hurt my feelings and make me so angry. And all of my other closest friends hear about it. I do love the friends who can look at me, unafraid of my reaction, and openly say, "you are being so critical." yes, you're right. People need the freedom to struggle. Room to breathe and make mistakes. I can also really appreciate the humility to fall apart and admit to their own humanity. I seem to be drawn to people who are open to melting all over the place. I think it's because I am so hesitant myself to embrace brokenness. There are a lot of words that I never used before I met bryan bond. brokenness and grace are two of them. relational brokenness became a part of my vocabulary after I heard brent harriman talk. it's so clear to me how those three words go together the closer I become with people. relationships + brokenness + grace. i don't really know what would follow the equals sign...redemption maybe?
something else I'm realizing and thinking more about the longer I'm at home with a non-busy life...I consistently have had not doubts, but maybe curious wonderings, about how Scripture could be real. About if God is really who He says He is. But the more I wonder, the more convinced I am that I despite what I think, He is True, and I just don't understand Him or what He has done in history. But at the same time, I really really do believe it. It makes sense to me, even though it doesn't make sense. on that note...i have completely lost you, and i post my incomplete thoughts...
