So. Having married 2 and a half weeks ago, gotten and started a new job at Coffee and Chocolate 4 or 5 days a week, and begun my internship at Knoxville Center of the Deaf 8:30 to 5 Tuesdays through Fridays (and when I'm not at those places, I'm sleeping to regain sanity), I've realized a few things about myself. I could NOT have a 9-5 desk job. Ever. I cannot sit for that long, I can't stay awake when I'm sitting, I hate doing paperwork, I hate filing, I hate feeling like my lunch is sitting in a pit in my stomach and slowly going to invade my thigh fat cells, and I feel like I am not supposed to be used for that purpose in life. Also I've realized that I need at least two hours a day to calm down, not do anything, be in a comfortable spot, read, pet my dog, talk to my husband, drink coffee or wine, pray, spend time with Jesus, have a coffee date with my friends, etc. Or else I do not feel like a human being. I feel like I am just doing what most people in the world fall into--the monotony on life, work every day-sometimes on weekends, constantly wearing work uniforms, rarely laughing hysterically, forgetting their hobbies... What about travel? What about running? And music and movies and talking to people about important things? I feel like people don't know how to have fun. Most of the people I work with wear outfits from the '80s, don't bother to put on make up, and are craaaaabby if we get one too many phone calls in the office. No wonder these people seem to have no joy--they don't do joyful things! Sit outside when it's cool, eat dessert, watch the sunset...Stop washing all the dishes, putting the house in perfect order, and falling into bed with a hard day's sigh. Love others and love yourself. Maybe it seems selfish. But if you don't take care of your soul, you can't take care of others. I hate being busy. Why does the world run on one speed? Why is everyone so concerned with being "on time" and doing things most efficiently? Sometimes in order to curb my OCD tendencies and slow down the need for "efficient" in my life, I purposefully leave a dirty cup in my car or drive 5 mph under the speed limit, or let Mina play outside for longer than just long enough for her to pee. So what if everyone thinks you're the greatest? If people think you're the greatest because you are punctual and clean and not emotionally messy, what does that make you? A clean, punctual person. Great. I feel like dependable means more than being on time and not stepping on anyone's toes. I would rather be able to stop and listen, stop and pray, and be dependent on Someone else who does have His shit together. I don't.
The moral of the story is. A. I hope this mentality doesn't get me fired one day. B. I think I might be more faithful to friends than work. C. is any of this even Biblical?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
I just have too many thoughts
The time has come, the walrus said, to write of many things...Almost every day of this past semester, I've thought about things that are important to me and are maybe under the title of "daily musings". These musings are important to my own growth and development and behoove me to write them down because then I look back months later (I just read my September post) and realize things like a. "wow, I wrote that post 2 days before I got engaged", and b. "all those things I was concerned about then are exactly the same. How unfortunate". Still I think they're good to write down, and I hate using a pen and a journal, even though journals and thoughts spread on paper is charming and idyllic. My handwriting is anything but idyllic (i think of it as childyllic), which is probably the reason I don't enjoy writing. This was not the reason I decided to make this post. I was thinking today about how I am a mother. Not to children--to Mina. the dog:
I adore her. She is the most precious fluffy being on the planet. And I can hardly handle 2 things: when she has to stay in her cage for very long, and the tail wag that slows and eventually ceases in despair. Today I left the house and closed the door, and she thought she would get to come too. However, I commanded a quick "stay", and left. As I walked to my car, I looked back, and her anticipating tail wag had slowed to barely moving and then stopped. She sat and looked at me with mournful eyes. And though I was leaving for approximately an hour, I felt like the betrayer of puppies. I feel like leaving my crying kids in the nursery will be a picnic, cuz they'll get over it. And whiney kids are annoying anyway so it'll be easy to leave. But dogs are only kind and forgiving and surely furry reminders of God's infinite grace. How do I keep something like that in a cage?
The other thought I had was something Philip brought up. What if instead of adderall, people used horse blinders. That would be awesome. Imagine the library full of hard working students with blinders hooked to their heads for extra concentration. I think all I really need is for Facebook to not exist. Then I would get so much done.
Oh, side note. My attempts at eating healthier have been more successful since that last post. Thanks to Abby's blog: I am much much much more informed about things that are better for you and things that are not. Regular additions to my grocery cart include organic coconut oil (as opposed to olive oil), Ezekiel bread, organic cereal (without high fructose corn syrup), and mostly organic veggies. (if you're going to eat a vegetable, it might as well have nutrients and flavor to its highest potential, minus most of the pesticides)...
Another side note...philip and I are getting married in two weeks. it's me and him. and we'll see if there is any room in our subsistence lifestyle for anything organic. I feel like our pantry will be things like this:
I adore her. She is the most precious fluffy being on the planet. And I can hardly handle 2 things: when she has to stay in her cage for very long, and the tail wag that slows and eventually ceases in despair. Today I left the house and closed the door, and she thought she would get to come too. However, I commanded a quick "stay", and left. As I walked to my car, I looked back, and her anticipating tail wag had slowed to barely moving and then stopped. She sat and looked at me with mournful eyes. And though I was leaving for approximately an hour, I felt like the betrayer of puppies. I feel like leaving my crying kids in the nursery will be a picnic, cuz they'll get over it. And whiney kids are annoying anyway so it'll be easy to leave. But dogs are only kind and forgiving and surely furry reminders of God's infinite grace. How do I keep something like that in a cage?
The other thought I had was something Philip brought up. What if instead of adderall, people used horse blinders. That would be awesome. Imagine the library full of hard working students with blinders hooked to their heads for extra concentration. I think all I really need is for Facebook to not exist. Then I would get so much done.
Oh, side note. My attempts at eating healthier have been more successful since that last post. Thanks to Abby's blog: I am much much much more informed about things that are better for you and things that are not. Regular additions to my grocery cart include organic coconut oil (as opposed to olive oil), Ezekiel bread, organic cereal (without high fructose corn syrup), and mostly organic veggies. (if you're going to eat a vegetable, it might as well have nutrients and flavor to its highest potential, minus most of the pesticides)...
Another side note...philip and I are getting married in two weeks. it's me and him. and we'll see if there is any room in our subsistence lifestyle for anything organic. I feel like our pantry will be things like this:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)