A few more years alive is a good teacher.

Some things of which recently I am certain or aware:

-just as sure as my southern accent and my constant craving for chocolate is everyone's desire to be important
-I love to write.
-I am probably more inspired by Carrie Bradshaw and Anne Lamott and my husband than I should be.
-It is a always a good idea to not where pants at home.
-Accumulated dog hair is among the top most frustrating predicaments in my life. Along with impatience, cellulite, washing dishes, being blunt,and mushrooms.
-Contrarily, my dog and all of her isms are among the top sweetest joys in my life.
-My mom should write a book because I think she has more to say than she says. If she did write one, it would likely sell millions, but even if it sold only a few, at least a few more anointed people would value from her thoughts.
-I openly admit that I legitimately and regularly think a glass of wine makes me more intelligent. It doesn't.
-Many of the people I most admire have turned out to be on some type of medication.
-I express myself in complicated ways. I've noticed if I pause too long, people stop listening.
-I am not limited by what my degree is in or not in.
-I will always have best friends who don't live in the same city as me.
-I'm not 12. or 16. or even 21. I'm old.
-I'm a sensitive soul...though I seem thick-skinned.
-I just added that last part for fun.

word vomit

So. Having married 2 and a half weeks ago, gotten and started a new job at Coffee and Chocolate 4 or 5 days a week, and begun my internship at Knoxville Center of the Deaf 8:30 to 5 Tuesdays through Fridays (and when I'm not at those places, I'm sleeping to regain sanity), I've realized a few things about myself. I could NOT have a 9-5 desk job. Ever. I cannot sit for that long, I can't stay awake when I'm sitting, I hate doing paperwork, I hate filing, I hate feeling like my lunch is sitting in a pit in my stomach and slowly going to invade my thigh fat cells, and I feel like I am not supposed to be used for that purpose in life. Also I've realized that I need at least two hours a day to calm down, not do anything, be in a comfortable spot, read, pet my dog, talk to my husband, drink coffee or wine, pray, spend time with Jesus, have a coffee date with my friends, etc. Or else I do not feel like a human being. I feel like I am just doing what most people in the world fall into--the monotony on life, work every day-sometimes on weekends, constantly wearing work uniforms, rarely laughing hysterically, forgetting their hobbies... What about travel? What about running? And music and movies and talking to people about important things? I feel like people don't know how to have fun. Most of the people I work with wear outfits from the '80s, don't bother to put on make up, and are craaaaabby if we get one too many phone calls in the office. No wonder these people seem to have no joy--they don't do joyful things! Sit outside when it's cool, eat dessert, watch the sunset...Stop washing all the dishes, putting the house in perfect order, and falling into bed with a hard day's sigh. Love others and love yourself. Maybe it seems selfish. But if you don't take care of your soul, you can't take care of others. I hate being busy. Why does the world run on one speed? Why is everyone so concerned with being "on time" and doing things most efficiently? Sometimes in order to curb my OCD tendencies and slow down the need for "efficient" in my life, I purposefully leave a dirty cup in my car or drive 5 mph under the speed limit, or let Mina play outside for longer than just long enough for her to pee. So what if everyone thinks you're the greatest? If people think you're the greatest because you are punctual and clean and not emotionally messy, what does that make you? A clean, punctual person. Great. I feel like dependable means more than being on time and not stepping on anyone's toes. I would rather be able to stop and listen, stop and pray, and be dependent on Someone else who does have His shit together. I don't.

The moral of the story is. A. I hope this mentality doesn't get me fired one day. B. I think I might be more faithful to friends than work. C. is any of this even Biblical?

I just have too many thoughts

The time has come, the walrus said, to write of many things...Almost every day of this past semester, I've thought about things that are important to me and are maybe under the title of "daily musings". These musings are important to my own growth and development and behoove me to write them down because then I look back months later (I just read my September post) and realize things like a. "wow, I wrote that post 2 days before I got engaged", and b. "all those things I was concerned about then are exactly the same. How unfortunate". Still I think they're good to write down, and I hate using a pen and a journal, even though journals and thoughts spread on paper is charming and idyllic. My handwriting is anything but idyllic (i think of it as childyllic), which is probably the reason I don't enjoy writing. This was not the reason I decided to make this post. I was thinking today about how I am a mother. Not to children--to Mina. the dog:



I adore her. She is the most precious fluffy being on the planet. And I can hardly handle 2 things: when she has to stay in her cage for very long, and the tail wag that slows and eventually ceases in despair. Today I left the house and closed the door, and she thought she would get to come too. However, I commanded a quick "stay", and left. As I walked to my car, I looked back, and her anticipating tail wag had slowed to barely moving and then stopped. She sat and looked at me with mournful eyes. And though I was leaving for approximately an hour, I felt like the betrayer of puppies. I feel like leaving my crying kids in the nursery will be a picnic, cuz they'll get over it. And whiney kids are annoying anyway so it'll be easy to leave. But dogs are only kind and forgiving and surely furry reminders of God's infinite grace. How do I keep something like that in a cage?

The other thought I had was something Philip brought up. What if instead of adderall, people used horse blinders. That would be awesome. Imagine the library full of hard working students with blinders hooked to their heads for extra concentration. I think all I really need is for Facebook to not exist. Then I would get so much done.



Oh, side note. My attempts at eating healthier have been more successful since that last post. Thanks to Abby's blog: I am much much much more informed about things that are better for you and things that are not. Regular additions to my grocery cart include organic coconut oil (as opposed to olive oil), Ezekiel bread, organic cereal (without high fructose corn syrup), and mostly organic veggies. (if you're going to eat a vegetable, it might as well have nutrients and flavor to its highest potential, minus most of the pesticides)...



Another side note...philip and I are getting married in two weeks. it's me and him. and we'll see if there is any room in our subsistence lifestyle for anything organic. I feel like our pantry will be things like this:

a september post

Every once in awhile I decide that my body is tired of my non-concerted efforts to take care of it. No desserts until my birthday. Desserts is actually more encompassing than one might think. That means no mochas, no cake, no ice cream, no soda, no candy, no cookies, no chocolate chips. I will eat things like dehydrated fruit (even though it has added sugar), and occasionally I'll drink coffee and put creamer in it. yeah yeah, it had high fructose corn syrup and i'll probably get cancer tomorrow. Although, thanks Rhonda, for that homemade coffee creamer website. <-click on that. maybe I'll make that. You know. when I have time (never). The point is, I work in a bakery and those lonesome fallen-over cupcakes that we just can't sell are forever getting eaten by me and that has got to stop. My body needs a break...a cleansing if you will.
I did have an asiago bagel today...but i mean...it's not sweet. I think i'm exchanging sweet for incredibly salty and saturated fattening.
I don't like to think of myself being on a diet so much as just taking a break from my familiar daily addictions.
These addictions are piling up in so many areas of my life, and I don't really know how to break them. Negativity, a consumption with the way I look, critical attitudes about other people, sleep, selfishly creating conflict that doesn't necessarily need to surface...Dealing with this stuff is even worse because I feel like I don't have time. I don't know what it is about class and the monotony of it, but it seems to put people in regular bad moods. Not all the time but often. Also not everyone, but a lot of people. I'm one of those people. I wasn't made to sit in a room for any number of hours and learn by hearing. Like I really don't think that was the intention of man. MAYBE adam and eve's kids sat at fig tree desks and learned about what it's like to have disabled kids in the classroom, but I feel like they mostly learned by doing. Probably.
I keep telling my friends to be where God has them. But I think I'm failing just as much at also manifesting that. Positive attitudes are our friends...