Every once in awhile I decide that my body is tired of my non-concerted efforts to take care of it. No desserts until my birthday. Desserts is actually more encompassing than one might think. That means no mochas, no cake, no ice cream, no soda, no candy, no cookies, no chocolate chips. I will eat things like dehydrated fruit (even though it has added sugar), and occasionally I'll drink coffee and put creamer in it. yeah yeah, it had high fructose corn syrup and i'll probably get cancer tomorrow. Although, thanks Rhonda, for that homemade coffee creamer website. <-click on that. maybe I'll make that. You know. when I have time (never). The point is, I work in a bakery and those lonesome fallen-over cupcakes that we just can't sell are forever getting eaten by me and that has got to stop. My body needs a break...a cleansing if you will.
I did have an asiago bagel today...but i mean...it's not sweet. I think i'm exchanging sweet for incredibly salty and saturated fattening.
I don't like to think of myself being on a diet so much as just taking a break from my familiar daily addictions.
These addictions are piling up in so many areas of my life, and I don't really know how to break them. Negativity, a consumption with the way I look, critical attitudes about other people, sleep, selfishly creating conflict that doesn't necessarily need to surface...Dealing with this stuff is even worse because I feel like I don't have time. I don't know what it is about class and the monotony of it, but it seems to put people in regular bad moods. Not all the time but often. Also not everyone, but a lot of people. I'm one of those people. I wasn't made to sit in a room for any number of hours and learn by hearing. Like I really don't think that was the intention of man. MAYBE adam and eve's kids sat at fig tree desks and learned about what it's like to have disabled kids in the classroom, but I feel like they mostly learned by doing. Probably.
I keep telling my friends to be where God has them. But I think I'm failing just as much at also manifesting that. Positive attitudes are our friends...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Indelible Grace
do blogs and facebook mean we're really into ourselves?...i don't know, i think this is my excuse to talk and talk, and people have a choice about whether they listen or not.
I may not be a full-blown 5-points-of-Calvinism Presbyterian at this point in my life, but I can't even begin to describe how desperately sweet it was tonight to sit in a crowd of Believers and listen to music that has become increasingly more encouraging and weighty and beautiful the older i've gotten. The best part is that it was a concert, but not one of the 20 (or so) incredibly talented musicians who got up to sing seemed to have it in their motivation to be showy. Most of them sang with their hands in their pockets, super chill, but still extremely passionate. In Wales, while I lacked a constant immersion in Christian community, I really didn't feel the emptiness as much as I probably should have--until I got home and experienced that fellowship again. I went to the "hymn sing" at the Ryman in Nashville tonight. I know that may sound southern and revival-ish, "we gonna go to a HEM sang, ya'll", but the music that is associated with RUF is anything but tacky. Kevin Twit (RUF minister at Belmonth), along with his students and other aspiring artists who also loved hymns (but disliked the tunes) wrote new music for the brilliant, rich, full, literally MEATY lyrics of the old songs of the church. I can't even tell you how moments like tonight make me not "all fired up for JESUS", but instead longing for the richness and beauty associated with this music to be alive in my heart. It's like eating a full meal after starving myself for 5 months. So much Truth presented in the span of a few hours. Does this sound shady?
I visited a church last Sunday, which shall remain nameless, and I left sort of sick to my stomach. I didn't feel fed, but overwhelmed. I mean, I don't think i attended a concert necessarily, but when the leader runs around on the stage and sings different words than everyone else is supposed to be singing, I can't help but wonder how much that person is leading as much as showing. this church is very "let's get EVERYONE in Cookeville to come here and be excited for Jesus". It has that feeling of "get saved and get going" and less "let's also seriously challenge and encourage and prepare the Christians already in our church body". I don't like it when salvation is thrown on people. on the opposite spectrum, I also dislike it when churches assume everyone in the church body is already a believer and therefore unbelievers feel completely lost and unaccepted. can't there be a balance...?
And can't there also be a balance in music? I always thought there could only be so many songs with "God you're awesome, amazing, incredible, divine, indescribable, uncontainable, blah-dee-blah blah". I was wrong. There are yet MORE songs that I am hearing that i've never heard before with the same lyrics. Yes, God is good. And we need to be reminded of that. But a lot of times, when I go into services, and literally the entire church is so freaking excited and singing all these praise songs, I feel like I need to leave because I'm the only one who doesn't have the right heart. I'm not praise-y feeling. Ok, so part of this is my fault, and I need some heart softening. But I don't think the majority of the Christian walk is happy and exciting. I think its hard and frustrating, and some Sundays all I really want to do is fall at Jesus's feet and confess and ask Him to hold me. The hymn for those Sundays:
"Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel"
As Kevin Twit said tonight, "following those lyrics, I immediately have to pray Mark 9:24 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!' " I long to know you and feel you, but I don't. Lord, help me.
I feel like with every praise song, there should be an equal amount of the Gospel in music. We are wholly dependent on Jesus because we caaaaaaan't dooooo iiiiit. We aren't good people and we don't love to get up and jump around and yell about how wonderful God is....without Jesus. The beautiful thing about the Ruf hymns is that as they have transcended hundreds of years, they are still true for the Christian walk. It's not that people can't still write good worship songs...it's just that many of them do not contain the weight, the heaviness, the depth, and the poetry of hymns. The REALITY of hymns. there are so many "pump up the Christian" songs. I don't need pumping up and feeling better about myself. I do enough of that during the week in my selfishness. I need to hear about sin and grace and love and compassion and difficult stuff. In songs and in preaching. I don't know if I'm too cynical (ok, yes, I definitely am in some ways), or if I'm not as Spiritual as some people, or...maybe i'm too narrow minded in my view of what makes good worship. or maybe there isn't a "right" way as long as your heart is in the right place. maybe it's just preference. but I seriously believe that hymns are one of the most hidden treasures of the church in this day and age. what makes a hymn a hymn anyway? and are hymns still being written...?
nobody knows about Indelible Grace, but they're on itunes, and I would super suggest discovering them at some point...
I may not be a full-blown 5-points-of-Calvinism Presbyterian at this point in my life, but I can't even begin to describe how desperately sweet it was tonight to sit in a crowd of Believers and listen to music that has become increasingly more encouraging and weighty and beautiful the older i've gotten. The best part is that it was a concert, but not one of the 20 (or so) incredibly talented musicians who got up to sing seemed to have it in their motivation to be showy. Most of them sang with their hands in their pockets, super chill, but still extremely passionate. In Wales, while I lacked a constant immersion in Christian community, I really didn't feel the emptiness as much as I probably should have--until I got home and experienced that fellowship again. I went to the "hymn sing" at the Ryman in Nashville tonight. I know that may sound southern and revival-ish, "we gonna go to a HEM sang, ya'll", but the music that is associated with RUF is anything but tacky. Kevin Twit (RUF minister at Belmonth), along with his students and other aspiring artists who also loved hymns (but disliked the tunes) wrote new music for the brilliant, rich, full, literally MEATY lyrics of the old songs of the church. I can't even tell you how moments like tonight make me not "all fired up for JESUS", but instead longing for the richness and beauty associated with this music to be alive in my heart. It's like eating a full meal after starving myself for 5 months. So much Truth presented in the span of a few hours. Does this sound shady?
I visited a church last Sunday, which shall remain nameless, and I left sort of sick to my stomach. I didn't feel fed, but overwhelmed. I mean, I don't think i attended a concert necessarily, but when the leader runs around on the stage and sings different words than everyone else is supposed to be singing, I can't help but wonder how much that person is leading as much as showing. this church is very "let's get EVERYONE in Cookeville to come here and be excited for Jesus". It has that feeling of "get saved and get going" and less "let's also seriously challenge and encourage and prepare the Christians already in our church body". I don't like it when salvation is thrown on people. on the opposite spectrum, I also dislike it when churches assume everyone in the church body is already a believer and therefore unbelievers feel completely lost and unaccepted. can't there be a balance...?
And can't there also be a balance in music? I always thought there could only be so many songs with "God you're awesome, amazing, incredible, divine, indescribable, uncontainable, blah-dee-blah blah". I was wrong. There are yet MORE songs that I am hearing that i've never heard before with the same lyrics. Yes, God is good. And we need to be reminded of that. But a lot of times, when I go into services, and literally the entire church is so freaking excited and singing all these praise songs, I feel like I need to leave because I'm the only one who doesn't have the right heart. I'm not praise-y feeling. Ok, so part of this is my fault, and I need some heart softening. But I don't think the majority of the Christian walk is happy and exciting. I think its hard and frustrating, and some Sundays all I really want to do is fall at Jesus's feet and confess and ask Him to hold me. The hymn for those Sundays:
"Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel"
As Kevin Twit said tonight, "following those lyrics, I immediately have to pray Mark 9:24 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!' " I long to know you and feel you, but I don't. Lord, help me.
I feel like with every praise song, there should be an equal amount of the Gospel in music. We are wholly dependent on Jesus because we caaaaaaan't dooooo iiiiit. We aren't good people and we don't love to get up and jump around and yell about how wonderful God is....without Jesus. The beautiful thing about the Ruf hymns is that as they have transcended hundreds of years, they are still true for the Christian walk. It's not that people can't still write good worship songs...it's just that many of them do not contain the weight, the heaviness, the depth, and the poetry of hymns. The REALITY of hymns. there are so many "pump up the Christian" songs. I don't need pumping up and feeling better about myself. I do enough of that during the week in my selfishness. I need to hear about sin and grace and love and compassion and difficult stuff. In songs and in preaching. I don't know if I'm too cynical (ok, yes, I definitely am in some ways), or if I'm not as Spiritual as some people, or...maybe i'm too narrow minded in my view of what makes good worship. or maybe there isn't a "right" way as long as your heart is in the right place. maybe it's just preference. but I seriously believe that hymns are one of the most hidden treasures of the church in this day and age. what makes a hymn a hymn anyway? and are hymns still being written...?
nobody knows about Indelible Grace, but they're on itunes, and I would super suggest discovering them at some point...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
the ponderings that certainly come after a morning at grace presbyterian church
i'm here. here and home. It's a good sensation to snuggle under your covers with no certain expectations for the day or the week or the month. It's also a good feeling to have skin the color of caramel and have no need to do anything presentable with your hair or your face, because your dog and your mom and dad still think of you as a little girl anyway, and cute hair and makeup don't remind them of when you were 5. If months were a color, what would they be? I think of june as yellow, july as orange, and for august, doesn't red come to mind?
Something paradoxically unfortunate AND wonderful is realizing that everyone is a sinner and then starting to dislike them because they aren't as without fault and charming from a distance as you initially believed them to be. People need acceptance. It's the only way to get by. And sometimes complaining about their incompetence as human beings makes you feel like more of a competent person. I realize the more I get to know people how badly they fail and hurt my feelings and make me so angry. And all of my other closest friends hear about it. I do love the friends who can look at me, unafraid of my reaction, and openly say, "you are being so critical." yes, you're right. People need the freedom to struggle. Room to breathe and make mistakes. I can also really appreciate the humility to fall apart and admit to their own humanity. I seem to be drawn to people who are open to melting all over the place. I think it's because I am so hesitant myself to embrace brokenness. There are a lot of words that I never used before I met bryan bond. brokenness and grace are two of them. relational brokenness became a part of my vocabulary after I heard brent harriman talk. it's so clear to me how those three words go together the closer I become with people. relationships + brokenness + grace. i don't really know what would follow the equals sign...redemption maybe?
something else I'm realizing and thinking more about the longer I'm at home with a non-busy life...I consistently have had not doubts, but maybe curious wonderings, about how Scripture could be real. About if God is really who He says He is. But the more I wonder, the more convinced I am that I despite what I think, He is True, and I just don't understand Him or what He has done in history. But at the same time, I really really do believe it. It makes sense to me, even though it doesn't make sense. on that note...i have completely lost you, and i post my incomplete thoughts...
Something paradoxically unfortunate AND wonderful is realizing that everyone is a sinner and then starting to dislike them because they aren't as without fault and charming from a distance as you initially believed them to be. People need acceptance. It's the only way to get by. And sometimes complaining about their incompetence as human beings makes you feel like more of a competent person. I realize the more I get to know people how badly they fail and hurt my feelings and make me so angry. And all of my other closest friends hear about it. I do love the friends who can look at me, unafraid of my reaction, and openly say, "you are being so critical." yes, you're right. People need the freedom to struggle. Room to breathe and make mistakes. I can also really appreciate the humility to fall apart and admit to their own humanity. I seem to be drawn to people who are open to melting all over the place. I think it's because I am so hesitant myself to embrace brokenness. There are a lot of words that I never used before I met bryan bond. brokenness and grace are two of them. relational brokenness became a part of my vocabulary after I heard brent harriman talk. it's so clear to me how those three words go together the closer I become with people. relationships + brokenness + grace. i don't really know what would follow the equals sign...redemption maybe?
something else I'm realizing and thinking more about the longer I'm at home with a non-busy life...I consistently have had not doubts, but maybe curious wonderings, about how Scripture could be real. About if God is really who He says He is. But the more I wonder, the more convinced I am that I despite what I think, He is True, and I just don't understand Him or what He has done in history. But at the same time, I really really do believe it. It makes sense to me, even though it doesn't make sense. on that note...i have completely lost you, and i post my incomplete thoughts...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
South Africa 2
The next day we woke up (I stayed with one of Philip’s friends named Kellen, so don't you worry) and went with his really fun Norwegian friends, Sigurd and Kristian, to a Saturday market. We had Greek gyros and empanadas and beer and enjoyed all the local goods/samples. p.s. In SA, the beer has very few ingredients and mostly all taste the same. Popular ones include: Carling, Castle, and Black Label. I can't remember which one I had that day. Anyway, afterward the four of us went to a wine tasting at a very quaint winery (I came to realize that wineries are basically on every corner and the biggest attraction to this part of South Africa). We tried many different wines, and I didn’t realize you can pour one out if you don’t want to finish it. So I drank all 7 or however-many samples they gave us. Of course, this resulted in slight tipsiness and extreme fascination with all the animals inhabiting the farm around the winery. There was a black pig, wallabies, little deer, a big turtle, a wiener dog named Pinot and a Great Dane named after another wine, and lots of chickens, geese, and ducks. Actually, I probably have this fascination anyway. That night we had some INCREDIBLE pizza (covered with avocado slices and sweet chili sauce on the side) at a bar called Bohemia and talked for a long time, enjoying the chilly evening. While eating, a little black kid asked us repeatedly for money in Afrikaans. We didn't oblige. The next day we went to a nature reserve called Jonkershoek - which was uphill biking there, but downhill the whole way home - and ended up at a lovely waterfall.
We ate that night at a place called Basic Bistro, and I got a greek salad, which consisted of a few tomatoes, some fresh mozzarella, and some basil leaves. Not totally filling, but Philip’s and Ryan’s pastas were amazing. The next was Philip’s birthday, so I made us an omelet, and he studied the whole day for his final that night. I went and got cake ingredients, including a Dunkin Hines mix, sweet and condensed milk, and Butterfinger bars. It was an expensive cake, but pretty good. Philip took his final, which completed his second semester of junior year, and we went out that night to a fancy restaurant with a bunch of friends (philip got a medium-rare rump steak, and I got a chicken, sun-dried tomato, and pineapple burger...it was one of the best meals during the trip), ordered good wine, then went to smoke hookah, and finally went out to a club for lots of dancing. We had cake that night. It was really good at 3 in the morning. I gave Philip his collage of pictures and other random presents the next day. That week we did a lot of hanging out because it rained constantly, going out at night, watching movies (a weird one and Where The Wild Things Are), and eating out at cool restaurants. We went to a few wineries, one called Spier that had cheetahs)...
We also went to an incredible brandy distillery called Van Ryn’s one day and left feeling guilty for ever having cheap brandy and coke. They taught us how to drink it like classy people…or “neat”, with specific chocolates on our tongue depending on the kind of brandy we’re drinking. We tried a 12 year old, 15 year old, and 20 year old brandy. They made me like brandy. The next day, Wednesday, I went with Philip to Kayamandi where he has volunteered with kids all semester, and I loved it. They served us dinner, and we talked about politics throughout dinner with a guy from Cuba and Philip’s other Kayamandi volunteers. I helped Philip pick out souvenirs for his family at the local market, which is full of “TRUE African gifts”. I also got some earrings for me. That weekend we went to Cape Town and stayed with two really cool couch surfers—Wim and Hanlie. They took us to Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens in their little 1960s Beatle, dropped us off, and Philip and I climbed Table Mountain. It was gorgeous. At the top we met a very old gentleman who had on what looked like a homemade blue sweater, sleeves too short, a white button down shirt underneath, and a fishing hat. He said he had climbed Table Mountain 1016 times, and I believed him. He looked like the man of the mountain. His skin was tan and leathery, and I really hope more people than just me and Philip know about this guy. Hopefully they do.
We hiked down to Cape's Bay - the beach - on the other side of Table Mountain and met up with three of Philip's friends, as well as Hanlie and Wim. They took me and Philip back to their house and served us bobotie for dinner, a traditional South African dish, which I now want to make for my roommates in Swansea. Philip and Hanlie got into a religious discussion over whiskey and wine. We left their lovely home the next day, and I really hope we get to see them again some day. I have decided that I have to come back to Africa soon. Next time I want to go to Victoria Falls, Namibia, Zimbabwe, Botswana, and more parts of South Africa. The next day we went to the beach with Sophia and Joanna, 2 of Philip’s friends. Sophia has a car, and the trains decided to go on strike, and it was a perfect day for the beach. Side note: in Africa, the sun is so so so much hotter and so much brighter than other places. I managed to get a little tan.
That night Philip and I went to a delicious Lebanese restaurant for our last night together before I would leave the next day. We got gelato - orange chocolate was the best flavor - and walked back to his apt. The next day he borrowed the Norwegian guys' car and took me to Cape Town to the airport. I was so sad to leave, partly because I had a final the next day that I hadn’t studied for at all. The flight home was uneventful, and I watched It’s Complicated, Away We Go, and An Education on the way. All fantastic. Away We Go is one of my favorites. I arrived back to Swansea in one piece, exhausted. It is not possible to sleep more than two hours on a plane.
We ate that night at a place called Basic Bistro, and I got a greek salad, which consisted of a few tomatoes, some fresh mozzarella, and some basil leaves. Not totally filling, but Philip’s and Ryan’s pastas were amazing. The next was Philip’s birthday, so I made us an omelet, and he studied the whole day for his final that night. I went and got cake ingredients, including a Dunkin Hines mix, sweet and condensed milk, and Butterfinger bars. It was an expensive cake, but pretty good. Philip took his final, which completed his second semester of junior year, and we went out that night to a fancy restaurant with a bunch of friends (philip got a medium-rare rump steak, and I got a chicken, sun-dried tomato, and pineapple burger...it was one of the best meals during the trip), ordered good wine, then went to smoke hookah, and finally went out to a club for lots of dancing. We had cake that night. It was really good at 3 in the morning. I gave Philip his collage of pictures and other random presents the next day. That week we did a lot of hanging out because it rained constantly, going out at night, watching movies (a weird one and Where The Wild Things Are), and eating out at cool restaurants. We went to a few wineries, one called Spier that had cheetahs)...
We also went to an incredible brandy distillery called Van Ryn’s one day and left feeling guilty for ever having cheap brandy and coke. They taught us how to drink it like classy people…or “neat”, with specific chocolates on our tongue depending on the kind of brandy we’re drinking. We tried a 12 year old, 15 year old, and 20 year old brandy. They made me like brandy. The next day, Wednesday, I went with Philip to Kayamandi where he has volunteered with kids all semester, and I loved it. They served us dinner, and we talked about politics throughout dinner with a guy from Cuba and Philip’s other Kayamandi volunteers. I helped Philip pick out souvenirs for his family at the local market, which is full of “TRUE African gifts”. I also got some earrings for me. That weekend we went to Cape Town and stayed with two really cool couch surfers—Wim and Hanlie. They took us to Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens in their little 1960s Beatle, dropped us off, and Philip and I climbed Table Mountain. It was gorgeous. At the top we met a very old gentleman who had on what looked like a homemade blue sweater, sleeves too short, a white button down shirt underneath, and a fishing hat. He said he had climbed Table Mountain 1016 times, and I believed him. He looked like the man of the mountain. His skin was tan and leathery, and I really hope more people than just me and Philip know about this guy. Hopefully they do.
We hiked down to Cape's Bay - the beach - on the other side of Table Mountain and met up with three of Philip's friends, as well as Hanlie and Wim. They took me and Philip back to their house and served us bobotie for dinner, a traditional South African dish, which I now want to make for my roommates in Swansea. Philip and Hanlie got into a religious discussion over whiskey and wine. We left their lovely home the next day, and I really hope we get to see them again some day. I have decided that I have to come back to Africa soon. Next time I want to go to Victoria Falls, Namibia, Zimbabwe, Botswana, and more parts of South Africa. The next day we went to the beach with Sophia and Joanna, 2 of Philip’s friends. Sophia has a car, and the trains decided to go on strike, and it was a perfect day for the beach. Side note: in Africa, the sun is so so so much hotter and so much brighter than other places. I managed to get a little tan.
That night Philip and I went to a delicious Lebanese restaurant for our last night together before I would leave the next day. We got gelato - orange chocolate was the best flavor - and walked back to his apt. The next day he borrowed the Norwegian guys' car and took me to Cape Town to the airport. I was so sad to leave, partly because I had a final the next day that I hadn’t studied for at all. The flight home was uneventful, and I watched It’s Complicated, Away We Go, and An Education on the way. All fantastic. Away We Go is one of my favorites. I arrived back to Swansea in one piece, exhausted. It is not possible to sleep more than two hours on a plane.
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